Help, please! I don't know what to tell my peeps about death.

My second blog post today. I know - I'm overachieving. Anyway....


I have somehow managed to avoid discussing death with the girls until now, just a few months away from their fourth birthday. I don't really know what to say. It's such a sensitive subject with me. I've lost friends and grandparents like everyone else, but I also lost someone much closer. December 1, 1997. My sixteen year old sister died in car accident. It was and is terrible. It changed my life completely. It was a true accident and can only be chalked up to her limited driving experience. There was no one to blame. There was no reason. Sometimes horrible, horrible things happen to wonderful, wonderful people. And since then, I can't let my phone ring in the night without answering it. I tell those I love that I love them because it might be the last time I see them. I sometimes panic irrationally when I'm driving with the girls that someone could hit us and kill one or both of them. I am sort of subconsciously waiting for "the other shoe" to drop all the time. I am petrified at the mere thought of my girls driving someday. It's just a really difficult topic for me to discuss. It's amazingly complex and I don't know how to make it seem like something my girls don't need to stress over.

But my grandma died last week. And I guess the girls overheard me or Dude mention it (neither of us can figure it out, though, because we both made a concerted effort for them to not find out). They've asked me a few times about death, but I've always been able to brush it off. Last night, as the three of us sat down to dinner, the Bug asked me who's daddy Grandpa Richie was. I told her that that was Grandma Lyn's daddy, her great grandpa. "Uh huh. And who was Grandpa Richie's mommy?" That was Grandma Tita, her great-great grandma. "Uh huh. And are they dead? Did they get really old and die?" Yes. Please eat your fish now. "And if someone is dead, are their eyes closed? Can they still talk? What does it mean to die? I don't want to get old and die. I don't want you to die. I don't want Daddy to die..." And with that she started crying. Oh it was so terrible. I froze. I had no idea what to say. I hugged the little sobbing bundle of girl, calmed her down, and told her that we'd talk about it another time. None of us were going to die anytime soon. She should just eat her dinner and maybe we could talk about Mary Poppins (THE favorite topic). She seemed to perk up and the subject was dropped, but clearly I need to have a talk with them about this sooner than later.

Everything I've seen online tells me that kids their age see it as something temporary, that they can't grasp its finality. After that conversation last night, I'm not sure I believe that to be true. Maybe we need to get a goldfish so it can die. But then we'd just get another one and I don't want them to think you can replace someone when they die. Mommy died? Time to get a new mommy. Ack. I'm at a total fucking loss here. Please give me suggestions if you have any.

Thursday, June 23, 2011 | Labels: , , | 1 Comments  

I always jump the gun when it comes to my own defeat

Okay, so I'm not feeling quite as discouraged about the cooking thing as I did last week. I got a call from the husband of one of the families Dude approached. We met him and his wife just once at a neighborhood brunch about six months ago and I honestly don't remember a thing about them except where they live. At first I thought he was calling to say no thanks - which I appreciate more than not hearing anything - but then he said that they're traveling a bunch this summer and want to do it starting in the fall. He said they keep looking at my write-up and getting hungry. "Call us when it's fall, or believe me, we will call you. We can't wait!" Then he said that he's part of a group of pediatricians who meet monthly for dinner and discussion. The dinner is as important as anything and they try something different every time - would I ever have an interest in catering a dinner for about 14 people? I told him that I'd definitely be interested, but he should know I'm not a licensed caterer or anything. "We don't care about licensing. We're a bunch of foodies and we want good food. And I can't stop looking at your list." Fun, huh?


And I know this is just one little avenue I can go with cooking. Private cooking classes could be an option. A friend mentioned on my Jinx post about someone near her who prepares dishes for people to take to potlucks. That would be incredibly easy. I don't know. I'll keep thinking and something will come of it all. Baby steps, baby steps....

Last night for my clients and us, I made baked fish with an olive tapenade crust and some pan-roasted asparagus. Dang it was good, if I do say so myself. And it was pretty. See?


It's crazy easy to make, too. To make the tapenade, put all of this stuff together in a food processor: pitted green and black olives (like kalamata), garlic, parsley, drizzle of olive oil, bit of dijon. Process. Done. And to make a crust on fish, I add some panko bread crumbs to the tapenade, mush it on top of the fish, bake. Done. Now don't tell anyone I might want to cook for professionally how to do that. They think it's some sort of magic.

Thursday, June 23, 2011 | Labels: , | 0 Comments  

Please don't take the babies away, but....

I fed them grasshoppers. Really. I did. Delicious, crunchy grasshoppers at a sushi restaurant. And this isn't the first time (I may have even blogged about it then, but I'm too lazy to go back and research and see if I did). We had the initial grasshoppers when the babes were barely two or something and they don't remember, but last night I asked them if they wanted to try some grasshoppers and they said yes. So I ordered up a few. This particular restaurant fries them whole and puts them on top of sushi rice nigiri-style with a little of that sauce they put on eel. They're actually quite good - crunchy and salty and a little nutty with that delicious sweet sauce. Yum. Anyway, Belly ate hers like it was nothing. Just another piece of sushi. Buggy took a bite and said, "Ummm, I like the rice and the sauce, but I don't think I want to eat the crunchy. It has too many parts in my mouth." Fair enough, but she tried it! And then she went back to eating her salmon nigiri, octopus nigiri, and eel and avocado roll. What would I do if I actually had picky eaters? I guess they'd starve. Here's the Bug's face as she took a bite.... Ha!



Dude is currently in Boston for the week. He's been traveling a lot for work lately, which is basically a bummer, but also easier as the girls are getting older. I treat it as a special time for the three of us - I cook much less, we have a lot of special treats, we shake up routines. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it backfires and they are hellions. This morning, it's fantastic. They helped me make smoothies and popcicles and because they were such good listeners while using the blender, I gave them smoothies, bananas, and biscotti with gobs of nutella on top for breakfast. Normally I go for a more nutritious breakfast but dang I just couldn't be bothered. Now we're watching Sesame Street and no one is arguing. No one is tattling. No one is in anything remotely close to a bad mood. I feel like I've got this parenting thing down. For this five minutes. I'm going to go enjoy it before something ugly happens.....

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 | Labels: , , , | 0 Comments  

Jinx

Damn. I was a little hesitant about posting my new cooking endeavor the other day because I was afraid I'd jinx it somehow. And I did. The family I've been cooking for went down to one night a week instead of two. The mom said she was feeling really guilty because she was hardly cooking anymore. I guess they've been getting three or four nights of dinner out of the two nights of food I've been cooking for them. I shot myself in the foot with my big portions. Ugh. Last week I made them peanutty noodles with chicken and broccoli, and salad. Tonight, per their request, I'm making pad thai with chicken and shrimp (personally, I would've spaced it out a bit since it's sort of similar to last week's dish, but I aim to please). Needless to say, I'm disappointed with this slight downturn in events.


Dude suggested I type up a list of sample entrees and some basic terms (pricing, etc.) and recruit a second client to keep the momentum going. I agreed and we specifically talked about two families we know who have two professional parents and little kids. Dude even said that he'd go talk to both of those families on my behalf (seeing as I hate selling myself). So I did. And Dude set out on Sunday afternoon to talk to them. But unbeknownst to me, he took a bunch of copies of the stuff I'd written and went to about five people in the neighborhood whom he thought might be interest and told each of them that I was interested in taking on a new client and it would be first come-first served (quite literally). I was slightly horrified when I found this out. Maybe it's no big deal, but it made me feel awkward. I'm not even exactly sure why. Anyway.... that was Sunday. Today is Wednesday and I've heard from no one. No. One. Not. A. One. And man am I feeling confident. Sigh. It's just a bummer.

But you know what makes me happy? Like, unreasonably happy? Maybe because I never had it as a kid or maybe because to me it means "summer" and "ageless" and "whimsy"? This....


Mmm. Sugary spun air.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011 | Labels: , , | 2 Comments  

HEY GUESS WHAT!!

I mean, hello friends. Has it really been a zillion months since my last blog post? Well, um, no.... but close. I know. Lame. But let's move on and start anew here because I've got lots to say. No dwelling in the past when I'm here now, right? Right.


So guess what? I'm doing something new. I've mentioned in the past that I used to work in nonprofit development and got a bit burned out, quit to raise my kids, lalalalala. I've been doing the mom thing for three years now and that's cool, but we all know that if I let that define me, I'd shrivel up and die. I'm so not kidding. Dude has pushed me from time to time to get a consulting gig a) to bring in a little extra money and b) to give me something to do to exercise my brain, retain my skill sets, have some outside adult interaction. He's meant well, but I haven't had the least bit of interest in pursuing this. But what to do, what to do.... I suppose I have to work again sometime....

I love cooking and damn I can turn it out. I really can. It's one of the few things I think I can brag about with confidence. Remember when I made all the food for our housewarming party? Anyway. Somewhere along the line I got it in my head that I'd love to be a personal chef. Screeching halt. Um, what? I have no formal culinary training or real professional cooking experience. I'm just a very good home cook. The audacity of me thinking I can do it professionally! The bravado! The hubris! Why would anyone hire me to cook for them? Especially here in Portland where you can't swing a cat without hitting a really phenomenal chef - the real kind who went to culinary school and has spent years in commercial kitchens. And that thinking is why I haven't done anything about it. Seriously. My cooking confidence is gigantic until I overthink it. And I tend to overthink everything. So tick tock time has passed and I've talked about it but not done anything because it seems ridiculous.

A good friend had two motives when she asked me to cater a small baby shower six weeks or so ago. First, she loves my cooking and wanted my food. Second, she wanted me to get off my ass and start putting my little cooking idea into practice. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind a la personal chef, but she was absolutely correct that it was a step in the right direction. We chose an Asian-themed menu (lemongrass beef skewers with peanut sauce; curried cashew chicken salad sandwiches; tofu otsu; pickled cucumber salad; minted fruit) and I sincerely had a great time from start to finish.

Lemongrass beef skewers and peanut dipping sauce

When I got home that afternoon, Dude told me that our neighbor across the street had asked him what I was up to. I guess he told her and she said, "I didn't know she did that! I'd kill to have her cook for us a few nights a week." My heart skipped a beat. Was she serious? One way to find out - I asked her. And yes, she was serious. Very. So over the next few weeks, we talked food and money and logistics and lo and behold.... I'm a personal chef, cooking dinner twice a week for a family of four. Ta da!

The family consists of the parents and two middle-school-aged boys. The dad is vegetarian (eats fish, though); the rest aren't. The boys are picky. The mom is allergic to walnuts and pecans. The scenario is not without its challenges, but it's certainly manageable. Every Wednesday night at dinner time, I bring them a hot meal that is table ready. I also bring a second meal that just needs to be heated/baked/etc. for another night of their choosing. It's cool because I'm only on the hook for one night a week but still get to cook two nights worth of food.

So wanna know what I've made so far? I'm going to assume you just clapped your hands together and exclaimed, "YES!!" You're so great.

Week One
Hot meal: orange chicken (at the adamant request of the 11-year-old), rice-edamame salad with slivered almonds and mint, and a leafy green salad with an Asian vinaigrette.
Second meal: spinach-butternut squash lasagna

Week Two
Hot meal: special miso-rubbed whitefish with lime-honey-ginger glaze, jasmine rice, sesame green beans.
Second meal: pizzas (pesto, artichoke, goat cheese, roasted red pepper, kalamata olive, mushroom, shallot; red sauce, pepperoni, roasted red pepper; pesto, prosciutto, roasted red pepper), green salad with green goddess dressing.

Week Three
Hot meal: coconut curry (chicken on the side for the meat eaters), jasmine rice, vegetable stir-fry with asparagus, red and yellow peppers, snow peas, broccoli, cauliflower, scallions, and carrots.
Second meal: creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches (for the boys - smoked cheddar on ciabatta; for the grownups - gruyere and taleggio with fresh basil leaves on ciabatta).

Vegetable stir-fry prep board

The best part of all of this? I'm having fun. I like every bit of it from the menu planning to the presentation. And once I get into a real groove, I'll look into expanding with more clients. Eek! I'm doing it! Hooray!

And if anyone reading this is fearing that I'm about to turn Belly and The Bug into a food blog, rest assured that I'm not. I'm thinking this venture will be a good way to resurrect my much-neglected "me" blog. What better reminder than connecting the weekly meal with writing a blog post? It's literally like clockwork. And, uh, clearly I need to get back in the habit of writing. I'll be sure to tell you all about my precious hooligans and their recent antics soon. Now I need to put together this week's menu....

Sunday, June 05, 2011 | Labels: , | 0 Comments  

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